Monday, April 5, 2010


Grievance #1.  Not one, not a single or a multi-pack. Not a caramel or even a mini. Not one Cadbury Crème Egg made it to my house this Easter, either for me or for anyone else. This is not right, this is unjust.  I blame you, Mr. Easter Bunny.  How can you come to my house and bring all of these wonderful things for my children but you deny me this treat?  Have I done something to offend you?  Have I not properly decorated and prepared for your arrival?  Were the eggs not dyed and displayed to your approval?  Do you now require a blood sacrifice?  Will I have to get Cerrano on your little furry butt?  “I am pissed off now, Easter Bunny.  Look, I go to you.  I stick up for you.  You don't help me now.  I say F#$% you, Easter Bunny, I do it myself.”

Grievance #2.  I get up early on Easter Sunday.  I get dressed in a shirt and tie (this used to be an everyday thing but for the past 4 years I have kicked the shirt and tie habit).  I get the kids ready.  We make it in time for 9:00 AM mass at church.  We park almost far enough away that we could have walked from home and been there in the same amount of time.  We get our seats, we pray, we sing, we celebrate, we give our “Donations! Donations!” (I thought it was the trash).  We get in the truck to come home and the parking brake won’t release.  After some effort and a few non-Easter-y looks from other church goers, and more than a few very non-Easter-y words and directives on what the brakes and truck can perform upon itself, the brake comes free.  Now the ABS and brake lights are both lit like a little dashboard Easter egg.  We make it home with very mushy brakes and watch a little puddle of brake fluid form in the driveway.  Apparently God is not Dodge fan.

Grievance #3.  Income Taxes.  I am taking my 5th amendment right and refusing to incriminate myself.  I will say that there has to be a simpler way for me to pay for other people’s shit.  I should not have to spend several hours filling out a seemingly endless number of forms while someone (or something) that makes about $10.3 Billion more than me in income has to pay $0.  Ok, so their return is 24,000 pages printed out, so what.

Grievance #4.  What the hell happened to Spring?  I swear there used to be a season between winter and summer where the weather was mild and nice.  How do we go from having three feet of snow and then straight to 80 degree days in April?

Ok, I feel better now.  Thank you for bearing with me.  I actually had a very good weekend.  We had Honey Baked Ham on Sunday!  Do you know what is better than having Honey Baked Ham for Easter dinner?  A butt ton of leftovers!  Ham sandwiches, ham and eggs, ham rollups.  But no Creme Eggs over My Hammy (goddamn you, Easter Bunny).

I got some stuff done in the yard (the clean up has begun).  I was going to report that the truck has been repaired and ready to run, but, well, you know.  The lawn tractor is now working.  Maybe it was pissed at me for the abuse it got during leaf collection season.  Maybe it just needed a few months locked in the shed to think about its behavior and reform itself.  I may have to try this with the children.  I will let you know how it works out.

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