Say Hello to My Not So Little Friend

Day 141:  Another skirmish today.  We didn’t take any casualties, but the enemy suffered a major setback.  I was finishing up a production install for work.  I needed to take a break and get something to drink.  It was just after midnight.  I got up from my desk and began to walk across the room to where I had my bottle of Coke sitting.  This is what I saw staring up from the middle of the basement floor.

(that’s a quarter in the picture)

My two eyes locked with his eight.  He didn’t budge, he didn’t flinch.  He caught me with my guard down, I was unarmed and bare feet.  I backed up a few steps to my desk to arm myself.  I usually go for a can of compressed air and attempt to freeze the enemy, but this guy would be a hard shot.  He was in between the coffee table and the sofa.  If I hit him at the wrong angle with the compressed air, he would be propelled under either one and possibly flee the field of battle or be lost among broken crayons and Lego bricks.  Instead, I grabbed the wooden ruler I keep under my desk for confrontations such as these.  I hoped that he wouldn’t run while I was gone. 

No, not this guy, he was still in the same spot when I returned.  I approached slowly and when I was in range, I struck.  I brought the ruler down slowly and crushed him down.  Right before the ruler hit him, he reared up on his hind legs as if to parry the death blow.  The soft chitinous crunch signified his defeat.  He died in battle, he died with honor.  He got flushed down the toilet (after a short photography sitting).

Does anyone know an arachnologist or an entomologist?  I would really like to know what kind of spider this is.  I checked out a few websites, but I couldn’t find anything that looked this guy.  Is it poisonous?  Should I be concerned?  I am not concerned for myself, but I have three small children in the house, one of which does a lot of crawling about on the floor.  I haven’t seen them anywhere else in the house other than the basement.

Day 142:  All has been quiet.  I try to post a regular watch, but my other duties have kept me distracted.  I sometimes imagine I can hear the rustling of tiny bristled legs on the carpet.  The lack of sleep and constant vigilance has put me on edge.  I am jumping at shadows.  Ironic that my enemy lives in the shadows.  I don’t think I can keep up this pace.   My faithful companion deserted me earlier today for the warmth of the spring sun.  Damn him, my only companion now is the cold aluminum can of compressed air.

Should you not hear from me again, know that my enemies have organized a counter attack and I have succumbed to their overwhelming numbers.  Know that I fought bravely, for home and family.

Did that sofa cushion just move?  I think they are coming…

Captcha FAIL

I hate Captchas.  For those of you that don’t know what a captcha is, it is when some website attempts to verify that you are indeed a human and not some program accessing their site.  They do this by presenting you an image of one or two random words or sometimes just random letters and numbers and asks you to type those words or characters into the form in order to submit or save something.  It is the internet’s version of the Voight-Kampff test.  I had to go through three different ones before I found one that I could actually read when I ordered the Faith No More tickets the other day.  I don’t usually make too much of them, but tonight, when I posted my blog update to Facebook, I was a bit insulted.

Yes, it reads “duodenal in.”  Yes, “duodenal” means relating to the first part of the small intestines.  Is Facebook trying to tell me to shove my update in my ass?

Grievances

Grievance #1.  Not one, not a single or a multi-pack. Not a caramel or even a mini. Not one Cadbury Crème Egg made it to my house this Easter, either for me or for anyone else. This is not right, this is unjust.  I blame you, Mr. Easter Bunny.  How can you come to my house and bring all of these wonderful things for my children but you deny me this treat?  Have I done something to offend you?  Have I not properly decorated and prepared for your arrival?  Were the eggs not dyed and displayed to your approval?  Do you now require a blood sacrifice?  Will I have to get Cerrano on your little furry butt?  “I am pissed off now, Easter Bunny.  Look, I go to you.  I stick up for you.  You don't help me now.  I say F#$% you, Easter Bunny, I do it myself.”

Grievance #2.  I get up early on Easter Sunday.  I get dressed in a shirt and tie (this used to be an everyday thing but for the past 4 years I have kicked the shirt and tie habit).  I get the kids ready.  We make it in time for 9:00 AM mass at church.  We park almost far enough away that we could have walked from home and been there in the same amount of time.  We get our seats, we pray, we sing, we celebrate, we give our “Donations! Donations!” (I thought it was the trash).  We get in the truck to come home and the parking brake won’t release.  After some effort and a few non-Easter-y looks from other church goers, and more than a few very non-Easter-y words and directives on what the brakes and truck can perform upon itself, the brake comes free.  Now the ABS and brake lights are both lit like a little dashboard Easter egg.  We make it home with very mushy brakes and watch a little puddle of brake fluid form in the driveway.  Apparently God is not Dodge fan.

Grievance #3.  Income Taxes.  I am taking my 5th amendment right and refusing to incriminate myself.  I will say that there has to be a simpler way for me to pay for other people’s shit.  I should not have to spend several hours filling out a seemingly endless number of forms while someone (or something) that makes about $10.3 Billion more than me in income has to pay $0.  Ok, so their return is 24,000 pages printed out, so what.

Grievance #4.  What the hell happened to Spring?  I swear there used to be a season between winter and summer where the weather was mild and nice.  How do we go from having three feet of snow and then straight to 80 degree days in April?

Ok, I feel better now.  Thank you for bearing with me.  I actually had a very good weekend.  We had Honey Baked Ham on Sunday!  Do you know what is better than having Honey Baked Ham for Easter dinner?  A butt ton of leftovers!  Ham sandwiches, ham and eggs, ham rollups.  But no Creme Eggs over My Hammy (goddamn you, Easter Bunny).

I got some stuff done in the yard (the clean up has begun).  I was going to report that the truck has been repaired and ready to run, but, well, you know.  The lawn tractor is now working.  Maybe it was pissed at me for the abuse it got during leaf collection season.  Maybe it just needed a few months locked in the shed to think about its behavior and reform itself.  I may have to try this with the children.  I will let you know how it works out.

18

On my way to robotics club, my iPod transitioned to Get Ready from (hed) p.e.  This needed to be loud.  I spun the volume dial until it reached 18.  Get ready, ready!  Woo!  My people get ready!  I glanced at the dial again, still 18.  It has to be 18.  When it's loud, it's 18.  Medium volume is 12.  When it needs to be low, the volume reads 6.  19 is bad, it can never be 19.  Odd numbers are always bad.  Except for 3 and 5.  3 is good because two 3s will get you 6 and that is good.  And four 3s will get you 12 and 12 is good.  5 and multiples of 5 are always good.  You get the picture.
What I am describing is my quest to use patterns and repetition to create order and well-being.  Some people can describe it as a mental disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce anxiety, by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing anxiety, or by combinations of such thoughts and behaviors.  I don’t believe I have hit bottom yet, but the behavior is definitely there.
There are certain things that have to be a certain way or I don’t feel comfortable.  I am sure we all have little quirks and efficiencies to make life easier.  Creating patterns to follow allow you to function without having to think about it.  Reducing everyday and repetitive tasks down to muscle memory and simple mnemonics make these tasks easy.  Don’t we all keep our cash in denomination order, largest to smallest from the outside in, and alphabetical order by serial number?  I don’t total up all of the bills to ensure they equal a good number, that would be silly.  (Hold please while I check…yup we’re still good.  Some times the little bastards get out of order in your pocket and you don’t realize it until you have to pay for something.)
I don’t know if I was always like this.  I know that my CD’s and DVD’s (cassette and VHS tapes in times long ago) have always been in alphabetical order, music by artist and release date, movies by title and sometimes when there are multiple versions (i.e. director’s cuts, digital enhancements, uncut, etc.) they go in release order.  Of course with kids, this makes it a little difficult.  They don’t understand order.  They just grab a movie and put it back on the shelf in random order, if they put it back at all.
These things aren’t compulsions or obsessions (yes, I have to keep reminding myself of this), they just make things easier.  If I want to watch the Blade Runner Final Director’s Cut, I know it is the third DVD in the Blade Runner section, which, of course, comes right after Black Hawk Down and right before Body Double.  It is extra special because two Ridley Scott movies happen to be right next to each other.
Isn’t it better to know that it takes 4 turns to completely close the cap on 16.9 oz. Coke bottle?  With those 4 turns you can be assured that your soda will not go flat.  You don’t have to count each time (but it helps), you just learn to do it that way.  You don’t have to unscrew the cap and do it again just to be sure it was 4 (but it helps).
And who doesn’t make sure that all of their t-shirts are right side out and folded so you can see the printing on the front?  Everyone keeps their white t-shirts separate from their colored t-shirts.  And their grungy work t-shirts separated from their everyday, ok-to-be-seen-out-in-public t-shirts.  Right?
Sometimes my little quirks efficiencies conflict with those around me.  Mostly it is my wife, who also has her own set of quirks. Right now I am concerned that my word count doesn’t exceed 648 (2*18*18).

Late to the game

Wow, it has been a long time since I actually wrote something other than a technical document.  I think the last time I wrote a blog was almost 9 years ago, I stopped blogging sometime back in 2001.  Let me begin by welcoming you here, you have either arrived completely at random or I must have said something interesting (most unlikely). 

I don't know yet what I will be posting here, but I figure it will mostly be an outlet for me to vent on parenting, corporate software development, movies, music, or something similar.  I am a father of 3, currently they are 7 YO, 5 YO, and 6 MO.  I work for a large corporation where I herd cats, or manage software development.  So my home life is very much like my professional life.  Thanks to the wonderful invention of Netflix, I actually get to see movies.  They are mostly kid flicks, but I sometimes sneak something for Daddy into the queue.  I listen to a wide variety of music, but tend to lean more to the metal scene.

I think that about somes up the welcome.  I hope to have some actual content shortly.  Thanks for stopping by, come again soon.