Everything is Going 19

It seems like a coincidence that yesterday I wrote about what a Stephen King fanboy I am and today all the internets are a-buzz with news about the movie rights to King’s Dark Tower series.  All of my favorite geek blogs are talking about it, so I feel that I must have my say too.  If you are not versed on the story to date, let me fill you in.

“First comes smiles, then lies.  Last is gunfire.” Roland Deschain of Gilead

First, let’s talk about the books themselves.  The Dark Tower series is King’s magnum opus.  The series itself comprises seven books and was published over a 22 year period.  The story contained within those seven books actually has direct and indirect connections to as many as 15 other King novels and short stories, like Salem’s Lot, The Stand, It, etc.  There was even a graphic novel series published by Marvel that contained parts of the story that never made it to the original novels.  The story follows the Gunslinger, Roland, on his quest to find the Dark Tower and spans many worlds and universes, some very similar to our own and some extremely different and arcane.  The story also has King himself as a character.  It is truly an epic tale and King’s best work.  It is inconceivable to think that this series could be condensed into one movie, but would almost have to be delivered in Harry Potter fashion with a movie relating to each book.

So who would take on a task like that?  J. J. Abrams, Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse (all of Lost fame) paid $19 dollars for the film rights to the series a few years ago.  That was like Christmas day for me, a Stephen King fan and a Dark Tower fan and a Lost fan.  I thought at the time, if anyone could give these books the treatment they deserve, it would be these three guys.

A few months ago, J. J. Abrams and crew announced that they would not be pursuing the project considering everything else that they have going on, i.e. Star Trek, Lost, etc.  At the time, I was a little heartbroken to hear that, but I hoped that someday they would take up the reins again and start making the movies.  Since most fans of the series, like me, waited 22 years for the series to come to a conclusion, what is waiting another couple years to see the movies?  How long did it take to get the Lord of the Rings trilogy done right?

Yesterday it was announced on Deadline.com that there was now new players to the Dark Tower game, Ron Howard and Akiva Goldsmith.  The Good and The Ugly.  The article from Deadline.com reports that Ron Howard, The Good, would direct the work and Akiva Goldsmith, The Ugly, would write it.  Ron Howard has done some amazing movies, A Beautiful Mind, Apollo 13, Parenthood, to name a few.  I think he could definitely bring something to the table.  Especially if he brings his “A” game like he did for Apollo 13 and A Beautiful Mind. 

Akiva Goldsmith, one the other hand, has ruined the screen adaptations of several good books and stories to the point where I wouldn’t mind giving him a swift kick in the head for what he has done.  Let me start with I, Robot, the movie.  The original collection of short stories titled I, Robot was written by Isaac Asimov.  If I am considered a huge fan of Stephen King, then I would be considered a raving lunatic for Asimov.  What Goldsmith did to the screenplay for I, Robot was unforgivable.  He completely pissed on the Three Laws of Robotics and the whole point of Asimov’s science fiction work.  I think when the movie came out, many geek clerics declared a Salman Rushdie-esque Jihad on him for disgracing the name of Asimov.

If that wasn’t bad enough, he did it again with the Richard Matheson classic, I Am Legend.  I have to admit at this point that the movie as a movie was good, but the portrayal of the zombie-vampires and the ending was all wrong and that he, again, missed the point of the story.  When I learned afterwards that Goldsmith also penned this beauty, I wanted to band together with my nerd brethren and open up a can of whoop ass on him.  He was also responsible for Batman and Robin, Batman Forever and Lost In Space.  His only redeeming film to date has been A Time To Kill.

Now to the treatment.  According the Deadline.com story, the proposal is to make a movie trilogy and TV series out of the books.  Ok, I can understand the movies, but a TV series?  This is not network TV material if done right.  King’s works have never really ported well to television.  The dialog alone would force it onto the premium channels like HBO and Showtime, not to mention the sex, notably the two scenes where Roland and Susannah have sex with demons, and violence, because Mister, they deal in lead.  None of the sources say which order they will be done in either, whether it will be three movies followed by a TV series, or a TV series interjected with movies at the crucial points.

I honestly don’t care how it gets to the screen, but I do care that it is done the right way.  If it is anything less than Peter Jackson’s treatment of The Lord of the Rings, I am calling up my nerd posse and we will ride.  The man in the director’s chair (and writer’s chair) will flee across the desert and the angry nerds will follow.

If you don’t want my opinion on it, please read some of these articles:

• IO9 – Ron Howard is Gearing Up to Scale Stephen King’s Dark Tower
• Cinematical – Ron Howard Plans Epic Quest to Stephen King’s Dark Tower
• Lilja’s Library – Dark Tower as a Screen Trilogy and TV Series?

Note: The word count for this post is evenly divisible by 19, it took every ounce of my willpower to do it.

Blockade Billy

Last week, I told you that I ordered my first edition copy of Blockade Billy.  The book arrived on Thursday, April 22, two days after it was officially published.  I had some time before the wife and kids got home, so I started reading.  It is a novella, only 122 pages, so I hoped to speed through it.  I got pretty far before I had to put it down and start on dinner.  I read a few pages on Friday, but didn’t get a chance to read anymore of it that weekend.

On Monday morning, as we were getting ready for the day, I noticed it sticking out of the top of my wife’s bag destined for her work.  I mentioned this to my wife and briefly discussed the value and proper care for a first edition book with her.  Some might refer to this as a lecture and judging from my wife’s expression and subsequent response, she was one of those people.  She explained to me where I could shove put the book to prevent anyone from touching it.  I murmured a goodbye to the book and counted the days until I could resume reading it.

Earlier today, my wife instant messaged me to tell me she was done reading it.  She also told me that she lent it to a friend.  Based on the way my week has been going (I think I hit over 20 hours of production support calls already this week, I stopped keeping track), I didn’t see it as a funny joke.  As soon as I had a free moment to myself tonight, I snatched the book up and finished the 20 pages I had left.

Blockade Billy is the story of William “Blockade Billy” Blakely, a minor league catcher called up to the majors at the beginning of the season, and as you can expect with any Stephen King story, something is not right.  The story is written as a narrative told to “Mr. King” by an eye witness to the events that spring.  The novella was certainly not King’s best work, but it was good.  I think I enjoyed the way he told the story over the actual plot.

You could call me a big Stephen King fan.  I began reading his stuff back when I was 12 and haven’t stopped since.  The first King book I read was It.  I think that if I had read anything else other than It at the time, I would not have become such a huge fan.  I think it was the way King captured the minds and emotions of kids my own age that really brought the story to life.  It will always be one of my favorites, but the ones that I have enjoyed and re-read the most would be the Dark Tower books. 

While I love all of Stephen King’s works, I think his short stories are more powerful than his novels.  They are like bee stings or touching a pan that you don’t think is hot.  The pain and fear and thrill are immediate and intense, but you get over it quickly.  He drives the story home in just a few short pages, but those stories always stick around in my memory.  His short stories and novellas are always the perfect size to fit in my head.  Whenever I hear a story of someone stranded in the wilderness that had to survive for several days, I always think of Survivor Type.  Or when I see a pregnant woman, I can’t help but think of The Breathing Method.  Or when I see a beggar on the street, I always think that they might be like Blind Willie.  I can already see the connections to Blockade Billy forming in my head.  I recommend picking it up if you are a King fan.  You can’t borrow my copy, so please don’t ask.

Lost: The Last Recruit

This is a week late.  Since Lost is a re-run this week, I thought it I could get my fix by finishing this post I started a week ago but never got to publish.

First thing is first.  Who else thought Jin’s head was going to explode when he ran to Sun at the sonic fence?  I thought I was going to have a heart attack.  This is highly possible with my current fitness level.  I think I actually said, “No, No, NO!” out loud. 

Last week’s episode of Lost didn’t feel like a real episode.  I think it was more staging the events for the last four episodes of the season (I can’t believe there are only four episodes left), but I don’t think it really advanced the story line any. 

We saw that Desmond was still alive after being tossed down the well, but Sayid was sent to kill him.  We never got to see if it really happened or not, but I don’t think they would really kill Desmond off screen.  We learned that the ghost of Christian Sheppard might have been the MIB in another stolen body, at least that is what MIB said.  Not Locke was using this as a way to win Jack over to the dark side.

In the LA-verse, Desmond continues on doing his Mr. Roarke, or crazy Scottish stalker dude, thing, getting Claire, Jack, and Ilana together.  It also seems like Sun had a little flash of the Island-verse when she saw Locke on the stretcher.  The little scene with Sawyer and Kate in the LA-verse didn’t make much sense to me.  I thought it would have been better if Sawyer had hidden a handcuff key in Kate’s apple and we could have watched her disappear when he was talking to Miles.  Neither of them seemed to make the “connection” to the Island-verse side.  Maybe that won’t happen for Sawyer until he meets Juliet, if it ever happens. 

I wonder what the plan is once everyone realizes that there is something going on.  What will they have to do to reverse the explosion of the Swan site?  Board a plane and fly over the submerged island, visit it by submarine, hold a séance and break out the Ouija board?  I think it will have something to do with Daniel Whidmore/Farraday and subjecting them all to an EMP that will some how coincide with some event on the Island side.

Seeing Ab Aeterno and Nestor Carbonell’s amazing performance again this week was nice.  I wonder if they decided to show this particular episode to get everyone back in the religious/spiritual mode for the last four episodes, to swing everyone away from the scientific and back to the Jacob vs. MIB – Good vs. Evil story line.

I would write more, but this week has been hell.

Worse Than Pulling Teeth?

Today I got to go to the dentist.  It was a routine cleaning, nothing major.  Before we got started, the hygienist informed me that they needed updated x-rays.  The entire dental industry needs a make-over.  All of their tools and techniques need to be improved so as not to scare the shit out of people.  The whole idea of one or more people sticking sharp metal devices and mechanical equipment that emits high pitched, irritating noises into your mouth frightens most people. 
I don’t mind the high speed drills, I don’t mind the teeth polishing tool, even the high pressure water jet, Mr. Suction, and the stainless steel picks don’t bother me.  I hate when they have to take x-rays.  It’s not the fact that they are bouncing high energy radiation off my face, it is the medieval plastic and metal ring apparatus that they insert in my mouth.  And what makes it worse is the concertina wire edged piece of film that you are required to bite down on and hold for several seconds.  With all of our research in medical and material sciences, how can we not have come up with a better solution to this process?  Could they soften the edges a bit?  Could they make it less like clamping down on a razor blade with the roof of your mouth? 
After all of the teeth clenching, polishing and picking, I get to see the actual dentist for roughly 15 seconds.  He appears to count all of my teeth and then murmur, “you’re all set.”  Seriously?  Couldn’t I have just brushed really good and sent you a few digital pictures if that was all you were going to do?  I could have done that from the privacy of my basement stronghold and not have left the house today.  Damn you, preventative dentistry, you got me again.
But it’s Tuesday, it should be good, have I already broken my streak?  In the past two days I have spent over 13 hours on the phone trying to solve production issues at work, seven yesterday and six today.  I was up until 2 AM this morning.  My ears itch from wearing a telephone headset for this long.  I am now two days behind on an already overwhelming project load.  Why does stuff break on my on-call week?
Production support in a large corporation is very much like a circus, any issue effecting a significant number of users involves getting about 20 different people on a conference call because no one person has the access, the authority or knowledge to do what is necessary to fix the issue.  You get a help desk technician, production support contacts, users, server administrators, network administrators, firewall administrators, proxy team, application owners, vendor contacts, and various other dingleberries that just cling on because they think they can be useful. 
No one gets on the call at the same time, so every time someone comes online, you have to rehash the entire story and everything that has been done to that point.  Not only do you get to go through every fact, but you have to justify the reason for the call.  It’s like they don’t believe you that there is indeed an issue.  The best part is after having spent three hours going over every possible cause and discussing every possible resolution, the issue resolves itself mysteriously without anything changing at all, or at least nothing that anyone will admit to.  Sometimes you hear that “Ooohhh… um… nothing” on the conference call and then 20 minutes later the issue disappears.  I am still hopeful that someone will develop a way to deliver a throat punch through a VOIP line.
Everything can’t be all bad today, it’s Tuesday, Lost is on tonight.  Huh?  You’re shitting me, a rerun?  I quit.

My Kingdom for a Do-rag

Bret Michaels, former Poison front man, current contestant on Celebrity Apprentice and do-ragged man-whore host of the Rock of Love, suffered a brain hemorrhage last Thursday.  He was immediately rushed to an undisclosed hospital where doctors had to perform a radical new doragectomy procedure to remove the damaged brain cover and replace it with a new bandana.

An source from inside the hospital, who wishes to remain anonymous, confirmed that Michaels is in recovery now, but has suffered severe brain damage, but neurological reports show that this will not effect  his song writing nor his attraction to skanky women.  “The doctors removed half of his brain and as soon as he was stitched back up, he asked a guitar and a group of women with self-esteem issues to assist in finding his true love,” the source commented.

Another hospital insider commented, “I feel sorry for Mr. Michaels, but after ruining Kiss’ Rock and Roll All Nite, there wasn’t much the doctors wanted to could do.”

A recent development happened earlier today as Department of Defense records were uncovered that show that Michael’s signature bandana do-rag is, in fact, a secret military research project.  The bandana is a new space age polymer that is being developed to be used for multiple military and civilian purposes.  Mr. Michaels was an ideal candidate for the experiment due to his rampant scalp deterioration from years of Aquanet abuse.  The bandanas in use by Mr. Michaels are constructed with several neural receptors, transdermal drug delivery systems, and blonde hair weaves. 

According to the records, the neural receptors are designed to track brain wave activity during song writing and composing to determine what causes horrid songs like “Unskinny Bop” and “I Want Action” and prevent them in the future.  The transdermal drug delivery systems were originally intended to delivery medications that could be useful on the battlefield in military applications, but for Mr. Michaels, are delivering antibiotics and fungicides to combat his frequent STD flair-ups.  The blonde hair weaves are to look cool coming out from under a cowboy hat.

NOTE: I have tried hard to be nice but I can’t stand it any longer.  I don’t like Bret or his music or his recent comeback into the media spotlight.  Seriously, he sung “Unskinny Bop”, if that is not hemorrhage worthy than I don’t know what is.

Anyway, gotta run, it’s a Woot! Off.

Captcha FAIL

I hate Captchas.  For those of you that don’t know what a captcha is, it is when some website attempts to verify that you are indeed a human and not some program accessing their site.  They do this by presenting you an image of one or two random words or sometimes just random letters and numbers and asks you to type those words or characters into the form in order to submit or save something.  It is the internet’s version of the Voight-Kampff test.  I had to go through three different ones before I found one that I could actually read when I ordered the Faith No More tickets the other day.  I don’t usually make too much of them, but tonight, when I posted my blog update to Facebook, I was a bit insulted.

Yes, it reads “duodenal in.”  Yes, “duodenal” means relating to the first part of the small intestines.  Is Facebook trying to tell me to shove my update in my ass?

Long Overdue

It has been almost a week since I last posted an update and I apologize.  I have been busy with work and home life and at the end of the day, when I sit down to write, I am either too tired or have something else that needs my attention.  This week all of my nights have been spent finishing up work projects, solving production support issues and spending time with the kids. 

This weekend was no different.  There was a birthday party on Friday night that kept me occupied until 9:30.  When I got home, all I wanted to do was stop my eardrums from bleeding and relax and not look at a computer.  I ended up watching Manchurian Candidate with Liev Schreiber and Denzel Washington.  It was a good remake of the original and put a modern twist on the original novel.  I have to admit that I am not a fan of Liev Schreiber, his eyes always make me think he is about to cry.  I also got to see The Men Who Stare at Goats.  It was humorous, but I really didn’t think too much of it. 

I spent about 30 minutes tonight re-ordering my Netflix DVD queue so that the Battlestar Galactica series comes next.  I have been putting it off long enough.  I can’t wait any longer.  I know, I know, how can I call myself a nerd and not have seen Battlestar Galactica?  I was not able to see it when it first came out and I vowed that I would not start watching it in the middle.  It wasn’t so much of a vow, it was more like an OCD thing that I could rationalize into a vow.

I scored a minor victory in getting the kids to watch Serenity with me, or making them believe that they wanted to watch it.  I tried getting them to watch it a year or two ago, but they weren’t interested.  I hope to leverage this into getting to watch Battlestar  on movie nights for the next several months.  The only downside is trying to get the kids to not walk around using the word “frack.”

We worked our butts off on Saturday.  The 5 YO and I went out to get the finishing touches for the veggie garden as soon as I was done the yard work.  He helped pick out all of the plants, loaded them on the cart and kept a mental count of everything we had.  We ended up with:

• (3) Bradley Tomatoes
• (1) German Queen Tomato
• (2) Roma Tomatoes
• (1) Husky Cherry Tomato
• (1) Pink Queen Tomato
• (3) Red Bell Peppers
• (3) Green Bell Peppers
• (1) Anaheim Pepper
• (1) Sweet Chili
• (6) Banana Peppers
• (1) Cubanelle Sweet Pepper
• (2) Zucchini
• (4) Blue Diamond Watermelons
• (6) Romaine Lettuce
• (6) Iceberg Lettuce
• (6) Buttercrunch Lettuce (which didn’t make it to the garden because I didn’t space things out properly)

This will be a butt-ton of produce if this works out.  We might have to build another bed next year or expand the existing bed if we get good results. 

The thunder is rolling and the rain is pounding down as I write this and I am wondering if our little garden will make it through this storm.  I really hope the morning sun does not reveal an empty 10’ X 12’ wooden box.  I am leaving it up to the gods of agriculture to ensure my garden doesn’t wash away. 

I figured the raised bed would keep the rabbits out until I had the defenses installed, but I didn’t plan on the Golden Retriever being a threat.  I was wrong.  He began eating the 12 cubic feet of garden soil (you know, that intoxicating mix of dirt, manure and compost) that we purchased as soon as started spreading it.  No wonder his breath smells like the ass of a dead skunk (we have some other very colorful descriptions for his breath, but I decided on the one least offensive).  I can’t wait to see what he does when something actually starts growing in it.

The boys and I spent a few hours planting everything and then rushed in to get showers.  I figure if each plant yields at least four vegetables or fruits we will have made our money back on the investment in the first year.

On Sunday, we installed the post caps to spruce up the garden a bit.  They are purely decorative and I think it makes it look less like a big wooden box.  We also added a few wooden signs to designate the different veggies planted in there.  I have one last addition before it is complete, but I didn’t get a chance to finish it.  More on that when it is done.

 

 

We also planted the replacements for the holly bushes that we dug out last weekend.  We got a small assortment of different shrubs from a local nursery and spent an hour after church planting them.  I don’t know how much longer the boys will be willing to help me out with all of the little projects that I have.  I hope it is not too soon, they are actually getting pretty good at it.  I might be able to rent them out and make a profit on it.

Right before dinner, we got to witness a great and scary thing, our 10 MO crawling for the first time.  Well, it wasn’t exactly crawling, but the ruling on the field was that she was on all fours and there was forward progress, enough to capture a toy a foot and half away.  It only happened once and by the time we were done clapping and coaxing her to do it again, it was time to eat.  By this time next week, I will have installed baby locks on all of the cabinets that don’t already have one and put up the baby gates on the stairs.  We had a great dinner tonight, Montreal Salsa Chicken on the grill.  I can’t remember where we got this recipe, but if anyone is interested in it, let me know and I will dig up a link.

That’s all for now, ass-breath the dog just made his way downstairs, opening the bedroom door and the basement door by himself.  He doesn’t like when it thunders, I don’t think he is scared, I think he just wants to make sure that I am alright.  I would be better if he chose to breathe in the other direction.